Saturday, April 3, 2010


Just so you know upfront, most of my blogs are thought out and even edited so that My Crazy does not come screaming through. This post is being written in "real time" and I am just not feeling much of a filter.

This week had several hard bumps in it. My car broke down in a mapdot town, and had to be towed. Miraculously there was a rental car available late at night when the sidewalks were already rolled up. I spent time with a friend in turmoil due to a set of circumstances that were unimaginably horrible. There was way too much drama at my workplace that forced me to draw some hard lines. Amazingly, I felt very peaceful as I walked through each of these situations, and felt the presence of God near. 

There were also several very wonderful moments. Fellow teachers who took me out for my birthday at my favorite Italian restaurant, with much laughter that fed my soul. The parents of my students gave me a surprise birthday party complete with superior chocolate cupcakes, and a generous gift certificate. (I think I gave my teachers soap on a rope in elementary school. These parents are  like friends to me.) Fifty Facebook birthday greetings from every corner of my life. I "graduated" from my second g0-round of Grief class and was asked to think about being a facilitator in a future group.  And I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, life was going to level out and feel normal again.

So, of course: the bottom fell out. And I found myself in a heap on my birthday yesterday remembering last year when Dave was well. And blissfully unaware of the fact that his life would end three short months later. Asking myself how in the world have I lived almost nine months without him?

The day was a school holiday, and Loyal Sister had come over to spend the day with me doing anything I choose. My choice? Move furniture for the painters. Everything I own is under tarps as the renovation of the house continues, and I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of dust and disorder. And I just want it done already, without having to go through all the inconveniences. Kind of the way I'm feeling about grief right now: could I just be done with it already?

More friends took me out last night for my birthday with my laughter among tears. And I woke up today knowing this was The Day. I had wondered how I'd know when it was time to give away Dave's clothes. Painters are coming to tackle my closets next week. The statue of limitations seems to have run out: I have no more space to store them amidst the tarps and clutter of renovation. Best to just clear them out.

I spent the morning sorting and remembering. Feeling that now-familiar but never comfortable mix of pain and joy. They co-exist, but just barely. I figured the easiest way to load the clothes was to back the rental car up into the garage  and cram it all into a compact car. (Yes, one week later my car is still in the shop in Mapdot, Texas. The mechanics have called me several times daily, and have been more then kind, but I'm painting anything in my way with a wide brush of wrath today.)

Of course my neighbor across the street picks this exact time to blow leaves off of his driveway and DOESN'T HE KNOW I NEED TOTAL QUIET AND PRIVACY TO DO THIS DEED? I totally fill the car and trunk and head for the new Goodwill in town, praying that attendants would ask me no questions. The first attendant headed for my car and told me I  entered the drop-off the wrong way. So I ran over him. Backed up and did it again. 

Well, I wanted to. As he unloaded the car,  I looked straight ahead, not watching. Remember Lot's Wife. And  I had an immediate need for food that was bad for me. Spied a KFC, zoomed toward it, and heard Matthew West's song "Save a Place For Me" come on the radio. Of course. You read the words (or listen to it here )while I begin the Ugly Cry:

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there.

And now? It is time for a looooooooong nap. After I take care of the guy daring to loudly mow his  yard on my street when I am in need of quiet. Kidding. Sort of.

Glad that Easter is coming, and that all things can be new.


Lynn said...

As I wipe away the tears (the words to that song are just too much!) I think you have had quite the week. Hopefully the reno will soon be done, the car fixed and home and life will be somewhat closer to normal, whatever that is!?! Not sure there really is a "normal". Take care my friend.

asteinocher said...

That you even listen to that song all the way thru is brave, I still turn it off as it comes on.
I pray you find you are on the back side of this pain more and more each day.
Blessings friend!! Hope the Goodwill worker is OK!

kstein said...

i am so proud of you- i know the clothes were a big, hard ugly -cry sort of thing to do, but you did it and that's that!
Also proud that you actually graduated from grief class this time-- about fourteen weeks ago they had asked you to take it over again and now you may get to lead, so that's huge too!
I miss you like crazy and I knew this birthday would be hard for you- we prayed for you all day- but so comforting for me to know that you are surrounded by such wonderful friends who just love on you and take you out to be there for you... next year will be easier...and Ireland is coming soon! We love you momma!

Anonymous said...

I became familiar with Matthew West's song because a beautiful two year old child lost her battle with Neuroblastoma on March 9th. From what I understand, he performed that song at her Celebration of Life. I found out about her on Facebook, and my life has never been the same.

The grief of losing a loved one is not something I've I won't pretend to know what it feels like. Packing up your husband's clothes was surely difficult. May God continue to give you strength and comfort.

BTW-the Goodwill incident gave me quite a chuckle = )