It was no surprise to me that her emphasis was on the same verses that God had been speaking to my heart (found here). Sometimes I feel like God is continually broadcasting His Word; the question is are we tuning into the same frequency?
Beth taught mainly on the verse "Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" from Psalm 37. I realized during these two days of intense teaching, that I no longer have desires of my heart. I think I've just hunkered down for the past seven years of fighting cancer with D into a safe No Desire Zone. Because no desires=no disappointments. I had just told some friends recently that I wondered if I'd ever feel happy again. Not the "I am content in all circumstances" happy, but the Really, Truly Ecstatic kind of happy. It's pretty easy to dial the thermostat back to lukewarm to live a safe and hidden kind of life.
My life is challenged by the words in a song called "The Motions" by Matthew West, which in part say:
"I don't want to go through the motions,
I don't want to go one more day,
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't want to spend my whole life asking,
'What if I had given everything;
Instead of going through the motions?' "
I know that in my classroom I give 110% every day. This year, especially, my 19 first graders will be the recipients of all the excellence I have to give after 21 years of teaching. I have a lot of extra time on my hands!
But at home and in my personal life? There are no "desires of my heart" to give me boundaries or vision. Are you familiar with the verse in Proverbs 29:18 that says, "The people without a vision perish"? Some translations state, "Without a vision, the people wander around." I have entered the Nomadic stage of my life.
I know, I know: it's too early to have a clear road map for my life. There is still a significant amount of grief to work through. D made me promise to not make any Big Changes in my life for a year. That was wise on his part, because if it was totally up to me? I'd have sold everything by now and relocated to an island in a cooler location without a backward glance. And I'm sure regret would have come knocking very soon afterwords.
But desires of my heart on a personal level? Where will those be rediscovered on this journey of life? Well, I look to the promise of the verse again: "Trust in the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart."
They will come from Him. When? I'm not sure, but I'm sure they will come again. And there will be joy in the journey to discovering them. Pressing in. Pressing on.