Wednesday, October 6, 2010

No. Nope. No way. No How.

One of the topics we discuss in grief class is how difficult it can be to fit into a couple's world after losing a spouse. So, I was blindsided last week when I was told to bring a date to the grief class' leadership Christmas party in a few months. You see, the rest of the leadership has moved on and remarried or begun dating. I'm the odd single. Even there.

I cannot even express to you how awful the thought of dating is right now. And yet, there seem to be stirrings around me that some people think "it's time" for me to "get on with my life." I think this is what it must feel like when someone loses a baby and well-meaning friends say, "You're young: you can always have another one." Unintentionally, yet heartbreakingly, hurtful. There is no "replacement" in children or husbands.

I have realized recently that I am surrounding myself at church with people who are at least 20 (and sometimes 30) years older than I am. I think it is an unconscious defense mechanism to hide away from anyone even remotely available. Yet I've been told I should look into online Christian dating services (NEVER!) and reminded of "good" single men in my congregation. (NEVER, NEVER!) I realize these people are good-willed and kind people who want to see me happy. But I also know that I've got to find "happy" on my own first.

I told my grief class I would not be bringing a date to the Christmas party. (But I may ask Loyal Sister because she is a lot of fun and I don't see her as often as I would like lately.) I also told them flat out I would not be seeing anyone unless God sent them to my front door. And only then if they stated God had sent them to my front door. The leadership told me I should be careful what I ask for. Because it could happen.

I feel safe in my declaration.

Because I'm totally not answering the front door right now.


Lynn said...

I so understand what you are saying! It's only now that I can even imagine myself dating. If someone actually came into the picture I might run the other way as fast I can:) I have said the same thing about God bringing him to my door. Now I would answer the door! lol

I think it is usually people who have not lost someone they love or it has been so long ago they have forgotten, that think you should be back dating.

Craig Weeks said...

I've never been in a situation even remotely resembling yours and I completely get it. You neither have to cave in nor apologize/explain.

Sister Beta said...

Oh my gosh! People can be soooooo insensitive!! That's terrible! Furthermore, I think siblings make GREAT dates. :)

Anne Smith said...

My Aunt Dee told me it took her five years to get to a point where she felt happiness without my Uncle Steve. She mentioned nothing about dating...which I think is totally out for her...but she did mention she would never tell another widow again to get over it after a year, after walking it out herself.