Sunday, October 31, 2010

Weekend Wasteland

Yesterday, I decided to finish sorting out D's office because I apparently believed I was fine, fine, everything is fine. And why should these things bother me anymore? I knew it had been more than a year since losing him. That was my lame-o train of thought.

Denial: it's not just a river in Egypt.

When I realized my emotional energy was flooding out of my body after only 20 minutes of box rummaging, I did the math. Total? 15 months. Drat. I thought at least 15 years had passed since July 2009. It feels like that, anyway.

The question was not "Did I take a nap from emotional exhaustion?" on Saturday. It was "How many naps did I take?"

I decided after the second nap, I should just get out a little bit so Saturday wasn't a total waste. I went to see the movie, "Waiting for Superman", a documentary on the failing schools of America. As a teacher, I knew this was a risky choice. These filmmakers can tend to paint things with a pretty broad brush. But watching real children who lost charter school lotteries that doomed them to their failing neighborhood schools? Heartbreaking. I left in tears and decided I'd swing by a nearby Barnes and Noble that D and I used to enjoy visiting.

I was on a roll for bad emotional choices. Why not one more? A Saturday late night visit without D did not evoke the warm and fuzzy. Went home, gave up on the day, and hoped a good night's sleep would refresh me for a better Sunday.

That plan worked well through a good cup of coffee over the Sunday paper. It fell apart getting ready for church. I discovered that my new contact lens solution must be used in its tubular container and not my old-school flat container. Apparently the solution had not neutralized and: OUCH! I ripped out my contact and tried to make it to church. About halfway through the music service, I knew I needed to get home and flush out my eye with water. Or rip it out. Which ever relieved the pain first.

Many eye washes later, and I decided a nap must be coming on. Again. I consoled myself that the day would not be a total loss: trick-or-treaters would be coming by later.

I had my candy out and not one but FOUR jack-o-lanterns lit in the front yard. And I waited for the doorbell to ring. But it didn't. I finally opened the door to peer out into the night and saw five small costumed bodies heading down my sidewalk toward the street. Seems my doorbell wasn't working. When they returned to my front door, I piled the candy into their bags. "I LOVE CANDY!" one little fairy enthused. I told her she was out on the right night.

I put a note on my front door that said "Please KNOCK", and waited for more visitors. Again, I finally opened the door and peered outside. To see several disappointed small figures leaving my yard. Oops. Forgot three year olds can't read, and the parents wait out at the street. I just dumped the rest of my candy into their waiting bags and called it a night.

I did find one more new scrap of paper that D had left behind. I'll be carrying it with me tomorrow to remind me things will continue to get better. He'd written down II Chronicles 20:17:

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you."

Amen and Amen. Looking forward to a better Monday.


susan said...

I came across a quote the other day and you crossed my mind ...
'here's to good women. may we know them. may we be them. may we raise them.'
thank you for continuing to share your life with us. you make us stronger. better. wiser.
chin up, my friend. be happy.

Anonymous said...

I needed to catch up on my blog reading...I missed a few.

If I remember correctly I think I might have been the head of the "bossy" club at one point in my life... and probably gave a few teachers a migrane. Feeling a little guilty now.
Funny how one day away to regroup leaves a day for mutnity in the classroom! Does not take them longs does it?
Trust Monday is filled with peace and comfort as you remember Dave's love for you and walk in God's love for you! you are always so encouraging!
Blessings, ~A

Dawn said...

I looked for you in church yesterday but didn't see you - now I know why!

Sorry it was a hard weekend for you. It's never nice when the rough emotions sneak up on you when you're not expecting them.

Hope this is a good week for you filled with nice surprises. And, I hope your students' parents have the good sense to leave the candy out of the lunch bags!

Be blessed!

Lynn said...

The reality of grief, it comes when we are not expecting it. You are doing very well on your journey! I pray today is a better day. Great verse to memorize!

Anonymous said...

I am always so impressed by the grace and authenticity with which you approach this blog. I cannot imagine your journey, but it has been inspiring to see someone embrace the grieving process and walk through it, even though it must feel like it is often a long, uphill battle with only small, intermittent plateaus for rest and reflection. You are truly fighting the good fight. Keep it up!

Aaaaaand, I can't believe people would be "encouraging" you to "get out there" again already...I read that post and was truly appalled. Take as long as you need...I've only been married for 2 years, but I feel like if something happened to Jerry it would take me YEARS to be able to "get back out there."

Dave would be so proud of you--such a strong and gracious woman!