Saturday, March 5, 2011

Memories, Light the Corners of My Mind

I love blogging. I really do. But I've found my full time job combined with my new part time job (and meetings, meetings, meetings) have reduced my free time significantly. If I'm not doing something for these two jobs (or meeting about doing future things), I'm thinking about what needs to be done. Makes you want to take a nap just reading that, doesn't it? I'm not experiencing stress: just staying busy.

So it was a lovely realization that I have absolutely nothing on my calendar this weekend for the first time since Christmas. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. And I intend to lounge in my jammies as long as possible with good coffee in reach.

I have been very mindful that being busy cannot take the place of continuing to work through grief. I have learned over the last 18 months that pushing down thoughts and feelings will only allow them to fester, grow and present themselves at the most inopportune times.

I continue to think, pray, reflect and talk with friends about my loss, but I've noticed a wonderful thing emerging: the memories I am now dwelling on are the happier ones from earlier in D's and my relationship. For so long, the forefront of my mind was focused on those last intense and wrenching years of continual hospital stays, unimaginably brutal operations and hearing doctor's words that left me stunned for days.

But now? I'm remembering the sweetness of a courtship that began during a beautiful autumn, a perfect honeymoon in Hawaii, long leisurely trips in San Francisco, Chicago, Pasadena, Asheville, Maine and Missouri. Special trips to Disney; cruises to the Caribbean. Life was good for many years.

One of my biggest frustrations as the cancer ramped up was that I could not be physically close to D. Walkers, medical equipment, lift chairs and hospital beds often kept us from holding hands while walking or even sitting beside each other for years at a time. It is a gift to remember the times when we were able to walk closely alongside each other, holding hands and kicking sand. A subtle reminder to married couples to take nothing for granted.

So, I end quoting Barbra Streisand, thankful that she had already put my newly formed thoughts into words:

"So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were..."

Thanks for the years of laughter, D. They continue to fill my heart with The Happy.


Locketts said...

Thanks for sharing and for the reminder to enjoy the closeness of my hubby.

V....Vaughan said...

You must have just posted this! I am NEVER the first one to comment :)
I just came by (the blog) to see what you have been up to, and this post really caught my attention...You are so precious to me...I think of you so often, and am imagining you today with that coffee! ...a great day for it, eh?

Nana said...

Thanks, that is a sweet reminder. I love thinking about those early days when wm and I first met. Glad to hear you had such a relaxing and peaceful weekend!

Lisa said...

Such a good reminder to be mindful and appreciative of the little things. Speaking of, I loved your "look children in the eye when they're telling a story" simple pleasure...really resonated!

Glad to hear the good memories are making their way to the forefront now!

Susan Ramey Cleveland said...

God bless you as you move through your recovery. I mostly have to good memories now, but that cancer fight still comes back sometimes to squeeze my heart until I cry. I hope you really enjoy your weekend.

Sarah said...

I'm so glad you're going back to the happy memories now. But why am I suddenly crying?

Thanks for hte reminder to appreciate my family.

V....Vaughan said...

LIGHTBULB !!! I just came by to leave you a note and was reading your blog to see what I missed lately and RE-read this one (forgetting that I had read it already...I am so easily entertained...since I always forget what I already did, just give me the same thing and I will enjoy it as if ...ah well....) ANYWAY! Upon re-reading it, I just learned a new lyric! "Memories Light the Corners of My Mind"...I had always sung it as "Memories, LIKE the Corners of My Mind"....Man, I feel stupid!....I wonder how many times people heard me singing that song, and NO ONE corrected me....
ALSO, I want to tell you that Samuel signed his scholarship letter with Kansas Wesleyan University to play football! (Salina,Kansas)I will tell you more later, but it will be in the paper in a couple weeks :)