It has been three months today since I lost D. It seems like yesterday and it seems like forever ago. I never thought I'd be one to mark dates like that. But I also never thought I'd regularly call my home phone number to hear D's voice, which is still on the message machine. Or send myself emails from his Yahoo account. Or spend time in his coat closet just to feel the familiar.
I miss taking him his oatmeal and green tea each morning while he checked his email. I miss the smell of cut wood coming from his workshop when he worked on projects. I miss hearing him laugh at his favorite comedy TV shows. I (almost) miss his endless choice of "autopsy" TV shows including CSI's Horatio and his eternally bent head.
But most of all? I miss the companionship. I don't feel lonely: I feel alone. All those hopes and dreams that we shared as a couple are gone. Poof. It is like there is this empty chasm in front of me.
My friends have been so good about asking me out, and I appreciate it so much. But when I come home, there is no one to tell my story of the evening to. And somehow, that makes it matter less; seem less significant.
One thing D always did was reach for my hand whenever anyone was praying at church or home. I find myself reaching for his hand still during prayer time. He called me "sweetheart" and always, as the sign says, kissed me good night.
It is all those little, yet extremely significant, small acts that I miss on a daily/hourly/minute by minute basis. Yet, somehow, life goes on. This is the in-between time where the old is missed and mourned, and the new is not yet formed. This is the time of honoring the memories and carrying them around like a well-worn blanket.
We'll be honoring the memories this weekend, as well. I'm flying to Kansas City on Friday to participate in a cancer race with my daughter, son-in-law, and his family. Team Dave. Young son rode a 100-mile bike ride in D's honor last month. A time of remembering and, hopefully, celebrating a life well-lived, a cancer well-fought.
Holding out for that future and hope that I know is out there. Amen.
Cookies and Communion
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