So, let's just cut to the chase: One of the thoughts I came to Maine with was from my friend K. She said that during a difficult time in her life (and trust me: it was difficult) she felt like God "took over" her mind and showed her truth in areas in which she needed healing. I came with that prayer on my lips: "Take over my mind, Lord..." as I've struggled with some regrets and some things I wish that I could "do over" concerning D. And I've seen truth come and replace regret and failings in my mind. There is nothing more that I could have done. God ordained the time and the circumstances. I could not have changed them. Because I am not God. Revelation.
Some other things I have wrestled with were the questions 'What do I do now? Will I ever feel joy again? Why do I feel guilty about going on alone?" Even as I asked the questions, a precious friend, C, texted me Psalm 16:11 "You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fulness of joy; in Your right hand are pleasures forever." I'd say that verse laid out all the answers.
I don't want you to think that I spend all my time with my hands on either side of my head writhing in agony while I'm in Maine. After all, large lobsters are going for about $5 right now and the cool weather keeps me outside with eyes to the ocean and face to the sun.
But I did discover something else wonderful. I have D's Ipod, and as I was scrolling through his playlists I came across this list:
"For R" (That's me.)
And these are the songs he uploaded during June and left for me to listen to:
Keeper of the Stars
Take My Breath Away
Wind Beneath My WIngs
You Light Up My Life
You're My World
The First Time Ever I saw Your Face
When A Man Loves a Woman
You'll Never Walk Alone
I Will Always Love You
When You Say Nothing At All
The Very Thought of You
Our Love is Here to Stay
Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
Didn't We Almost Have It All
The Impossible Dream
(What? No Barry? As in Manilow? Further inspection shows a Manilow playlist...)
I may not have technology all figured out, but I know a perfect gift when I see one. Or hear one. These are the songs he felt represented us. And that is a whole lot of love and blessing that is adding to my healing.