Saturday, August 29, 2009

Living Proof Live

This weekend I attended the Living Proof Live Simulcast at a local church with a long time friend. If you are unfamiliar with this concept, Beth Moore's ministry put on a Friday night/Saturday morning conference (held in Green Bay, Wisconsin this year), and it was beamed to churches all over the world. There were 90,000 women (and a few brave men) attending these conferences and sharing in some truly amazing worship and teaching of the Word.

It was no surprise to me that her emphasis was on the same verses that God had been speaking to my heart (found here). Sometimes I feel like God is continually broadcasting His Word; the question is are we tuning into the same frequency?

Beth taught mainly on the verse "Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" from Psalm 37. I realized during these two days of intense teaching, that I no longer have desires of my heart. I think I've just hunkered down for the past seven years of fighting cancer with D into a safe No Desire Zone. Because no desires=no disappointments. I had just told some friends recently that I wondered if I'd ever feel happy again. Not the "I am content in all circumstances" happy, but the Really, Truly Ecstatic kind of happy. It's pretty easy to dial the thermostat back to lukewarm to live a safe and hidden kind of life.

My life is challenged by the words in a song called "The Motions" by Matthew West, which in part say:

"I don't want to go through the motions,
I don't want to go one more day,
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.

I don't want to spend my whole life asking, 
'What if I had given everything; 
Instead of going through the motions?' "

I know that in my classroom I give 110% every day. This year, especially, my 19 first graders will be the recipients of all the excellence I have to give after 21 years of teaching. I have a lot of extra time on my hands!

But at home and in my personal life? There are no "desires of my heart" to give me boundaries or vision. Are you familiar with the verse in Proverbs 29:18 that says, "The people without a vision perish"? Some translations state, "Without a vision, the people wander around." I have entered the Nomadic stage of my life.

I know, I know: it's too early to have a clear road map for my life. There is still a significant amount of grief to work through. D made me promise to not make any Big Changes in my life for a year. That was wise on his part, because if it was totally up to me? I'd have sold everything by now and relocated to an island in a cooler location without a backward glance. And I'm sure regret would have come knocking very soon afterwords.

But desires of my heart on a personal level? Where will those be rediscovered on this journey of life? Well, I look to the promise of the verse again: "Trust in the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart."

They will come from Him. When? I'm not sure, but I'm sure they will come again. And there will be joy in the journey to discovering them. Pressing in. Pressing on.


Lynn said...

Wasn't that simulcast something! Imagine 90,000 of us all hearing the same thing and worshipping together in our respective places. I thought of you and how amazing it is that we were both attending the same event even though we live thousands of miles apart.
I love the words to the song you shared. It is so the desire of my heart to live passionately for Jesus, and yet sometimes I am for sure, just going through the motions. Especially in the beginning I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going to do what I had to do. It's hard to put back together the
"shattered picture" of our lives when we have huge losses and begin to put together a new life picture. I am so very thankful we have a God who loves us and walks with us through all of those hard days in order to lead us to a 'new normal'. Blessings to you as you continue to walk out this hard time of grief and finding a clear path for the future. Jeremiah 29:11has been a real encouragement to me I hope it will encourage you as well. There is hope and a future! It just takes time and healing to get there.

Locketts said...

If you decide to head to that island let me know. Ava and I have LOTS of time on our hands:)

Marcy said...

This was an awesome blog entry, Rayeanne...just awesome. I can't wait to hear what those desires are that He gives, and how they will be fulfilled. Love you. (btw, that painting on my blog - it was found by googling - ha).

V....Vaughan said...

Oh Rayeanne...those lyrics speak it well, and as I see it, YOU ARE NOT just going through the are giving's just that right now, "all" has a little piece missing...When I wondered if I could love my second child as much as I loved the first, I learned something profound after he was born: Love doesn't "divide" to spread MULTIPLIES... Your life is in prosess of multiplying, right now :) It will be neat to see what it "feels like" after a year or know how "feeling" always follows "fact"