Monday, March 1, 2010

Finding the way through

Years ago, I had a kindergarten student who would wake her mom up in the middle of the night to discuss the concept of eternity. That sweet little girl would have both hands on either side of her head in agony, trying to come to terms with something that was never ending. I'm proud to update you that she is a recent college graduate who wrestled with this concept and won. Eternity is no longer overwhelming.

I've thought of her a lot lately as I find myself thinking, "OK, D, you can come home now." After 7 months, my heart and spirit are still jolted by the realization that he will not be  back. How long will it take for the finality of death to become totally real? 

I have realized that the single thing I miss the most is companionship. Just having someone there  to hear your story when you come home makes it matter oh-so-much more. Even when the cancer left D sleeping the majority of hours in a day, I still knew that he was in the house. And that was comforting.

Something I realize anew is that  a spouse gives  boundaries. Living as a couple meant there was an expected schedule  to be kept for sleeping, eating, cleaning and certain obligations. Alone? No one knows when or if you even choose to fulfill those obligations.

I'm sure we've all had those times when we moan about not being able to do something because of the kids, or the husband, or the hundreds of other things we put before our own needs. Lately, I feel like I am standing naked in a field: I have no obligations now, and those things are still not getting done. The weight is not falling off; the gym does not have my shadow crossing its threshold. I now have no one to pin my lack of progress on in certain areas except... myself.

I know an elderly gentleman who recently lost his spouse of 62 years. He said that he had no idea of many of the things she used to do for him...until he had to do them himself. He had never been in charge of the mail: his wife had handed him what little mail he needed to see. The sheer volume of "junk" mail has come as a total shock to him, and he has no idea how to handle it. He leaves it to pile up on his kitchen table, and only has a small area left cleared for his meals. 

We all just have to find the new normal. Looking ahead; moving on.

"You will make known to me the path of life.
In Your presence is fullness of joy.
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever." (Psalm 16:11)


Lynn said...

I like what you said about a spouse giving us boundaries. I know I have become a procrastinator at home, no one is depending on, no one knows or even cares if I do the things I plan to or even need to do.

I too miss the companionship. There have been times when I so wanted to share something I learned, something I did or even something I bought that was a great deal but no one quite gets it like J would have.

Anonymous said...

Dee from Tennessee

Haven't been by in a while...due to "life"....but I promise you I have been praying for you.
And yes , without having walked in your shoes, I've already thought about the loss of companionship. My husband is my best friend, and it's just always been him and me.

Loved, loved the "licking the flashlight!" And I hopped over to your daughter's blog...its a keeper too!

Prayers from Tennessee...

Jackie said...

Stumbled upon your site this evening and so blessed by this post! And Psalm 16:11 is such a wonderful, encouraging scripture!

I'm following your blog now and hope you can stop by my place sometime for a visit. I love meeting new "bloggin' for Jesus sisters!

Sweet Blessings!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this food for thought! I often think about this very topic the longer I'm married.
I pray that the Lord will help you adjust to all these "new" changes and that you will feel His strength as you go through them!