Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Held

I guess a few of you are checking this blog to see how I am doing after the loss of D. My best description would be peaceful, but kind of numb. Probably running on adrenaline. Holding on until the service tomorrow. (If you are local, it is at 10 am on Thursday at the Texas Baptist Children's Home chapel in Round Rock --take 79 off of 35--, and instead of flowers D wanted donations made to the TBCH Family Cottage Program which helps out local families in distress.)

(Here is an interesting blessing: I just went to put up a link for the Family Cottage Program, and I see a picture of myself on the website here.  My children and I lived there for a year and a half, described in this blog I wrote recently. The picture was taken at a reunion about 12 years ago--hence the really stylin' dress I'm wearing at far right.)

When Young Son and his girl friend fly in from Costa Rica today, the entire family will be here. We are all going to a local Mexican food restaurant tonight, because what says comfort like lots of chips and salsa?

One of the many things I am grateful about in this journey is that all preparations had already been made. We  were able to make peacefully put everything together before, so that now in the after the few preparations left were relatively stress free.

I have no idea where the journey of life goes from here. I have no idea how to heal except to ride it out as it comes in waves and little jolts: waking up thinking I need to do something for D or tell him something...but of course I won't be doing that anymore. My pastor asked me yesterday what I would miss the most. (What a kind and compassionate question. Much better then the dreaded, "How are you doing really?") I will  miss the companionship. We've spent weeks in our Archie and Edith chairs just sitting together, most of the time in companionable silence because of D's illness and medications. But I could always look over and know he was there. That will take some getting used to.

And what now? I have a desire to get into my car and just drive north. To just be quiet and hopefully end up somewhere much cooler where I'll be alone with my thoughts and prayers. Maybe I'll blog from Canada in a few days. (Ha!) One of the things I am most thankful for is that I'll have about a month to rest, and hopefully rejuvinate,  until I have to open up my first grade classroom for the business of the 2009-2010 school year.

I wish that I had the Secrets of the Universe to share with you. I think a lot of the Natalie Grant song, "Held":

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held.



And He is holding us. And we are so very grateful. Thank you for all your love and support. What would we do without friends?

4 comments:

Buttercup said...

Thinking of you! If you drive north you have to stop in NYC!

Anonymous said...

Dee from Tennessee

I truly don't know what to say...just sending a big hug wrapped up in a prayer...and a promise of more prayers in the days ahead.

at His feet said...

praying, crying for you and now apparently filming short bad videos for you. not bad, like michael jackson, but just bad, not good. we are holding you in our hearts tonight.
anne

Anonymous said...

Sorry I couldn't make it to the memorial service. As the clock struck 10am my heart was with you. You have been in my thoughts, heart, and prayers! We will visit soon in the next few weeks. Looking forward to our visit. We can do anything. Clean, sort, eat, shop, anything. I will do whatever you want to do!

Patty R.